How to Discuss School Violence

(With Other Adults)

My wife is a behavioral specialist at an elementary school nearby. Recently, there was a school shooting in her district. A young man gained access to a neighboring elementary school but was unable to enter any classrooms. By all accounts the school did everything right. Kids were protected, the school was locked down, but this individual still found his way in.

Meanwhile, my wife's school was on lockdown for several hours. Information was scarce and communication with my wife was limited to a few text messages. She was unsure if the assailant was in her school. I was at my workplace and unsure if there would be a threat at our children's school, so I made the decision to pull them out for the day.

Facebook posts were confusing. Everyone had an opinion and every commenter was a self-proclaimed expert on the situation. Time eventually proved that most of what was being shared on social media was false.

When the situation was resolved and the lockdown was lifted at my wife's place of employment the fear didn't immediately dissipate. Hard conversations were had about the nature of school violence, how common it has become, and how we should respond.

Then the Bend, Oregon school shooting gripped the nation.

As adults, how should we act? How should we relate to each other when these traumatic events occur? How do we have open-ended conversations about protecting our most valuable resource (our children)?

I think we must begin by having empathy for those directly and indirectly affected. You may not feel as sensitive to it or as impacted by it, but that doesn't mean you are stronger. Our tendency is to sweep our feelings under the rug rather than acknowledge them. We should at least acknowledge the feelings of those around us.

Engage in dialogue about how we can do better. Don't shut down ideas. Listen and seek to understand. Some people view gun control as a solution to the problem. Others view mental health services as a solution. Others believe that our schools should be the safest buildings in the community. It is possible that none of these solutions are wrong. Listen and work together to find new ideas for how we can enrich children's lives and keep them safe. Be vocal but be willing to listen.

There's an adage in my line of work that goes something like this: "You have two ears and one mouth so you can listen twice as much as you talk". That advice would be useful in these situations.

Get involved and make your voice heard. Join the PTA. Write your congressman. Run to fill a school board vacancy. Educate yourself on the needs of at-risk youth. Work to stop bullying. Conversations must lead to action. As individuals and as a community we must do better.

(With Your Children)

This is sensitive information and some parents may choose to abstain from sharing. Our public-school kids are already immersed in a world of school safety drills that are less like fire drills and more like my parent's Cold War drills. Kids are asking questions when the school goes on lockdown - and I believe it's important to provide an answer that doesn't stoke fear.

Listen to your kids. Don't provide more information than they are ready to hear. Answer their specific questions delicately and deliberately. In automotive sales we listen to our customers and uncover what's important to them. This hot button is often safety. We tailor our presentation to the customer, highlighting the advanced safety features and how those features will give the customer peace of mind. Our kids want to know that they are safe. Reinforce the measures that the school has in place and ask them how they would respond in a threatening situation.

Listen to their answers and provide guidance. I periodically remind my children that violence can happen anywhere, not just schools. I also instruct them that it's important to protect the people they love.

When my son is riding his bicycle, I always say that he needs to have heightened awareness of what's going on around him, because people operating motor vehicles often do not have that awareness. He once asked if he could wear ear buds while riding and I didn't permit that because he needs to limit distractions. The same is true in a school setting.

Teach your children to resist bullying and to be a friend to those who need it. Many of us have been "at-risk" at some point in our lives. I went to a resource room because it was believed that I lacked the social skills necessary for middle school. During the same time period I wasn't allowed to ride the bus with my peers.

When I was young my mom was extremely ill and I was struggling to understand that. I felt alone and that contributed to my isolation at school. If the right people didn't come along and remind me that I was valuable, I would have continued to be "at-risk". It's important to model this kind of compassion and kindness for our kids.

Listen, guide, teach awareness, and model kindness.